Codependence is for the birds.
Since Len and I broke up, I noticed something about myself that I’m not proud of: I’m struggling to be alone. Before Len and I dated, I was Miss. Feminist, a strong individual who didn’t need a relationship to feel fulfilled. Then life happened and I grew comfortable having a body next to me at night, someone who made me feel safe. In the months since Len and I broke up, I’ve dated an assortment of people in an attempt to not face feelings of loneliness. Most recently, I’ve been in and out of a very unhealthy 4-month relationship with a complete douche bag. And believe me, douche bag is an understatement. I allowed myself to be treated poorly because the alternative was being alone and the was sure to feel worse.
Um, let’s re-read that last sentence… I allowed myself to be treated poorly because the alternative was being alone and the was sure to feel worse. Does anyone know where Lindsay went because this surely isn’t her. The Lindsay I know would never stand mistreatment of any kind. The Lindsay I know wouldn’t allow values and beliefs to be compromised on behalf of someone else. The Lindsay I know would laugh in the face of an asshole and tell him to have a good time jerking off because he ain’t getting any of this. The Lindsay I know is strong.
So last night I took out the trash and boy did it feel good.
Happiness is a choice we can make. In 2012, I’m going to find fulfillment in things that bring me joy, nurture my spirit and foster growth. And when loneliness rears its little head, I’ll simply smile, tell it to fuck off, and remind myself that I’m totally okay on my own.
Welcome back, sister.