Wow, its been a long time. Can’t believe it’s actually freaking June. Where the hell does the time go? One year ago yesterday, I moved out of my place with Len and Ellie. (We broke up a few months before that but lived together till June.) Crazy to think how much has happened since that time. My life went from stable, consistent, and calm to wild and chaotic.
My friends tell me that I should write a book because of the ridiculous experiences I’ve encountered since the breakup… most of which are too inappropriate to disclose on this blog. Perhaps one day I’ll share. Despite the amazing and insane times, my mood continues to dip down into a funk at times. I never thought I’d still be going through periods of depression but I am. Last night my roommate and I established an action plan to get my ass in a better mental state.
Step 1: Be around people/animals/things that bring me joy. CHECK!
Look who’s staying for the weekend!
It’s a good thing she’s not covered in chocolate chips or I might just eat her up. I love this little rat.
Speaking of chocolate chips…
Step 2: STOP EATING MY FEELINGS! I use food as a coping skill so it’s safe to say I’ve gained weight. It’s no surprise that baked goods are my go-to foods for comfort. (See below for the fat girl special.)
That right there is a triple chocolate brownie
The reality is that sugar makes me feel like SHIT both physically and emotionally, which deepens the depression. Terrible cycle. So what’s a girl to do? JUST SAY NO to
crack sugar. I have a dietary plan but I’m not going to share it until I’m confident in my ability to follow through.
Step 3: Talk to someone.
I’m a therapist (How’d that happen???) so listening is more my strong suit. People talk to me about their struggles and I love it but it’s difficult for me to open up and be the talker. I’ve been isolating from friends and family which is very bad. (Here’s a tip: Don’t avoid family phone calls for weeks then randomly send a text to your dad stating “I kinda want to file bankruptcy then join the Peace Corps for two years. Thoughts? I’m serious.” This won’t go over well.)
With a little push from a good friend, I booked a therapy appointment for myself. (Do you guys remember when I went to Mimi? She was cool.) Therapy is a wonderful thing if you’re invested. Like many things in life, the more you put into it, the more you get out. I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 16 years old (my parents thought I was an alcoholic; really I just got busted the
110 four times I went out drinking.) but I never really take it too seriously. This time around I’m going to try to be more open and honest. We’ll see how that goes.
STEP 4: WORKOUT.
Everyone knows that working out is AMAZING for both body and mind. Exercise has always been a form of medication for me. Running, in particular, has worked wonders for my mental state. Although I’ve been slacking in this department, the ball hasn’t dropped completely. Last week I ran alongside my good friend Ali, as she completed her first half marathon. I wasn’t signed up and I didn’t train, but I ran 11 miles with her for support. (I ate a block of cheese post race. Not good for the bowels.)
Some signs of depression include loss of interest and loss of motivation. It’s REALLY hard to get moving on some days (esp. today when it’s rainy and laying in bed sounds so much better) but ultimately I know that even the shortest bit of exercise will increase my mood. Strapping on my sneaks is a MUST for me. Been thinking about signing up for a few races to keep the motivation flowing. We’ll see.
That pretty much sums up my action plan for now.
What did I forget?
**I hope everyone is doing well! Happy Saturday.
Thought so. Anyways, lots and lots to catch up on so not sure where to start.
Lets start here– I’m fat. No seriously. I’m fat. I’ve gained 10 pounds since March and 4 people (my clients) have made comments in the last 2 weeks about it at work. I love my clients and all but good god, they lack social etiquette. Comments include: ‘Damn girl, you’re really packing on the pounds!”, “You know you’re gaining weight, right?”, “You gained weight. What happened? You stopped working out?” Mother f-ers. Although it’s hard to hear such feedback, I know it’s true and can kind of laugh at it. Kind of.
So why the hell have I gained 10 pounds….
Well, a couple of reasons: I’ve been eating like shit and too much of it (in binge form and otherwise.) My latest favorite is french fries. Salty? Really, Lindsay! Also, for the last few months I’ve been eating out a lot and drinking tons of awesome beers. No Coors light for this bitch. We’re talking Pumpkin beers up the ass, Oktoberfests, and many other seasonal favorites. I’m all beered out at this point.
Remember when I mentioned that I was hanging out with a new boy? Yeah that ended last week. Although I was super (like, ridiculously) attracted to him, our personalities were too different and I wasn’t able to see past it. Booooo. He sure was nice to look at, and snuggle with, and kiss…. but character is character and it’s pretty tough to change. It was fun while it lasted. Onto the next victim!
The good news is that now my beer consumption and nights eating out have decreased. Now I just have to put down the fries and whoopee pies.
Hey lovelies! My sister popped this weekend and I am now an aunt to a beautiful baby boy. Unfortunately I couldn’t be with her and haven’t met the baby but I will soon. Zachary is the first grandchild so my parents are super stoked. My mom has been
hoarding buying baby clothes for years now just waiting for one of us to get knocked up. Surprisingly, it wasn’t me. Say hello to the little nugget.
I don’t have any funny new date stories for you. The first two dates were enough to scare me away for a bit. I do have a date planned for Friday night though. Nothing crazy because I’m currently doing a 21 day detox. Today marks the 8th day of Clean. If you’ve been reading for a while now, you know all about my food issues. My friend, Ali, suggested I try this cleanse several months back as she had success with it. At that time, Len and I had just broken up so I wasn’t willing to give up booze and sweets. We all need coping skills, right? Bring on the whoopee pies and wine bitches.
The last several months have been off-balance for me in terms of eating and moderation. I’ve been eating like shit during the week and going away on most weekends to celebrate various occasions. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a damn good time but my body and mind started to suffer.
I needed to get a grip, asap. The scale continued to climb until it reached 148 last Sunday. What the hell? Something had to give.
So far the cleanse has been awesome. Caffeine free, sugar-free (other than fruits), gluten-free, alcohol free, dairy free. You get the idea. I no longer need my morning cups of coffee (though detoxing from caffeine sucked goat balls), I feels less anxious, have dropped 3 pounds and have clearer skin! We’ll see what the next 2 weeks bring. I had to laugh at myself this morning when I discovered green smoothie outlining my lips. No wonder I’m single!
Okay, okay, it’s been a month since I’ve bothered to write a bloody blog post. I wish I could say I’ve been off traveling or doing something fantastic but the truth is, I’ve been working my butt off at my job, eating a shit load of cookies and not going to the gym. Whoever invented the girl scout cookie should go to hell.
The truth is, I’ve had a tough month and let go of all my healthy habits. I’ve been eating out of control (so much for weight watchers), haven’t been working (out other than my one weekly long run) and stopped doing things that typically make me happy. I couldn’t find the energy to come up with a witty post or anything worth reading. Have I been depressed? Maybe, but such is life.
The good news is that I have some exciting events coming up and lots of people who love me. Thanks to those who wrote me sweet and thoughtful emails. I’m happy to be back.
Has anyone missed Eleanor?
Seriously? Any cuter and I’d pass out.
After a year of not dieting and 2 months of debating whether or not to join WW’s new program, I couldn’t take it anymore and caved. I signed up for WW last Monday and had a very successful week…. until last night.
Sunday night, the night before my weigh-in, I decide that it’s a good idea to bake cookies. If you have been reading my blog for a while or know me at all, you know right away that this is a horrible, horrible idea.
I ate my weight in dough alone.
And still managed to chomp my way through a couple of fresh-baked beauties.
Baked goods + Lindsay = stretch marks. It ain’t pretty.
I sabotaged myself the night before my weigh-in. Still debating if it was worth it. It’s a close call.
The good news is that I bought myself new sneakers and hammered out 3 miles in less that 27 minutes this morning. That’s a kick ass time for me so maybe cookies should be my new fuel? Probably not.
I’ve never owned Asics before but they feel pretty good. I also stocked up on Gu for the next 6 weeks of long runs. Chocolate GU and Chocolate Mint GU and the absolute bomb diggs. I don’t F around when it comes to chocolate and these suckers exceed expectation.
Check out my dog- she found the warmest spot in the house and claimed it as her own. Smart little bitch.
Let’s get serious for a second- Now that I’m 30, am I considered a Cougar?
Over the last 16 months, I’ve slowly lost 12 pounds by exercise alone. This loss (clearly it was extremely slow and gradual) had nothing to do with changing my eating habits. Unfortunately I still stuff my gullet with whoopee pies and frosting covered sticky buns. Despite my old habit of binging, I do feel much healthier and happier than I did when I first started this blog in October, 2009-the same month I began posting my weekly weigh-ins, and the same week I started this slow weight loss journey.
Today I am 30. 30! I’m not someone that’s afraid of this number. No way, Jose. I welcome it with open arms and expect life to get better from this point forward.
My teen years were fun but difficult and riddled with insecurity. Those years were full of parties, friends and sneaking out, navigating the pressures of middle school and high school, experimentation sexually and in other ways, struggles to get along with my family, many nights and weekends grounded, some run-ins with the cops (what can I say, I was a
bad dumb ass.), and the start of my eating disorder. Those years were so exciting but also full of insecurity and at times, pain.
My twenties took me to different parts of the world including Australia, New Zealand, England, and all over the US. I established close friendships to people who are now a necessary piece of my happiness and my heart. I had my heart-broken but learned to forgive and move forward. My family fell apart and with support from one another we rallied to pick up the pieces. I moved to a new city where I found love and began to build my own family. I started running and have since participated in one marathon and a bunch of half marathons. I struggled to find inner peace through majority of my 20’s but that was then.
In this new decade I plan to strive towards happiness and inner peace each and every day. For me, happiness is not a natural state, it is something that needs to be fostered. Each month this year, I plan to include something new to my life that brings about goodness. Some months, I might exclude something that doesn’t nurture my best interest. On occasion, I might get all wild and do both. For the start of my 30th year of life, I’ve decided to include monthly dinner dates with an old friend who I don’t seen nearly enough, and exclude donuts. I DON’T NEED DONUTS nor do I want the instant gratification that they bring. I do need love and the gift of friendship. I know this much is true.
So cheers to a new year in calendar and in birth.
Who wants to join me on my journey for happiness and inner peace. What would you like to include/exclude in your life?
Happy Monday morning to you all! It seems that parts of New England got a snow fall last night but there’s nothing but rain here in Boston. I managed to run 3 miles this morning in the cold, wet, windy weather. I woke up feeling pissed that I can’t be naturally skinny and angry at the world that I had to workout. Then I thought about my friend who just messed up his foot and won’t be able to walk for 6 weeks. Life aint so bad after all.
We had a family emergency of sorts so we spent the weekend at Lens parents house in Vermont visiting with them. Nothing too exciting to report other than my gluttonous activities. See below for proof.
Along with the artery clogging goodies shown above, I also managed to consume cookies, pie and more candy this weekend. All of which contributed to the humongous zit that has set up camp on my face. Awesome.
I was thinking about addiction this morning on my run– alcohol, nicotine, food. With drugs/alcohol addiction, recovery is about abstinence from the substance of choice– sure, there will be relapses along the way and that is expected. Recovery from food addiction isn’t so straight forward is it. There are many schools of thought. Some say, don’t restrict because it will backfire, others say don’t go near whatever it is that makes you spiral out of control. (For me it is obviously sugar.)
Clearly we don’t need booze to survive like we do food, so food addiction can be more complicated. But lets face it, we don’t need to be eating donuts, eclairs and candy bars to survive. What are your thoughts on food addiction and recovery?
I am currently seeing an older client right now who struggles with an eating disorder. She has gone though the whole spectrum– from anorexia, to over exercising, to bingeing. She’s strongly believes that if only she were a size 12, life would be different. She would be happy and social, she’d feel comfortable in her own skin. To an extent, some of this is true. Who doesn’t want to be happy with their body? This can create great confidence. But on the other hand, the mindset that “everything will be better when I’m 20 pounds lighter, 10 pounds lighter, maybe five more” is sort of misbelief. It is this mindset that often sets people up for failure because we’re constantly waiting to live.
I, like my client, have felt the exact same way. As a matter of fact, I relate to her so much that I can almost predict the things that she will say. I understand not wanting to be social because the thought of trying on outfits makes you cringe. I understand the pain of restricting and going overboard, of being so consumed with feelings of shame and disgust. For many years, I didn’t have a full size mirror because I was unhappy with the reflection. I get it.
My client came in yesterday so excited because she and her friend were signing up for Jenny Craig. Her energy was high and she was so hopeful that this program was going to be it. The lady at Jenny had promised her that she will lose the weight and maintain it once and for all. She couldn’t stop smiling and I wanted that newfound excitement too.
Since starting my blog, I’ve really made an effort not to diet. I’ve done them all…. well, except Jenny Craig. I left our session eager to look into Jenny myself. Maybe this is it for me too? I’ve seen the commercials. The girl with red hair looks fabulous. And Valerie? Boy, she has really been a success.
Then I snapped out of it. For me, dieting does not equal happiness. Happiness comes from going to a restaurant and ordering what you really want— not what is points friendly. Happiness is working out and feeling yourself getting stronger. Happiness is learning to stop eating before you’re in a food coma. Happiness is stopping a binge before it starts. Happiness is looking in a mirror and being proud of what’s before you. Happiness is going into your closet and feeling like you can wear whatever you want. For me, happiness cannot be found at a Jenny Craig counter.
I am striving for all of these things without a program. To me, this is living.
God love me a rest day. It feels so good to wake up with no intention of strapping on my sneaks. I am definitely one of those people who feels guilty when I don’t work out but having two races in one weekend is sure to alleviate those feelings.
For any new readers, I have a blog weigh-in every Saturday morning. There are some weekends when I don’t weight in because I’m scared to see what it says–like last weekend after nights of eating and drinking. However, I’ve been mostly loyal to them. I must say that I’ve been working out a lot and feeling really strong (not buff strong since I don’t strength train but stronger overall) but I’m not seeing movement in the scale. “Well Lindsay, you’re gaining muscle.” Well we can justify it however we want but the truth is, I’m not changing my eating habits. I binge. It seems that my body plateaus at 145 with consistent workouts only. This doesn’t work for me because I know I’m not feeding my body what it needs. As much as I’d like to believe that Boston Cream Pie (totally overrated) and donuts were proper nourishment, they aren’t.
My new habit of really late night-time eating isn’t helping either. Put it this way, Len and I eat dessert (or a snack of some sort) from under the covers in our bed right before going to sleep. Is this necessary? Last night it was a piece of bread with PB&J. Really Linds? Get a grip.
The problem is, I do not want to diet. That mentality is what has provoked the bingeing in the first place. Somehow I need to get my eating controlled without restriction so I can be my healthiest self. At the end of the day I want to eat intuitively but the process is long and I give up on myself quickly. How do you eat like a “normal” person?
Well friends, I’m off for a day of apple picking. Three cheers to Fall (and apple pie)!
I hear a gun shot outside my window last night and had to call the cops and answer questions when they came. No big deal.
I broke my scale earlier this week and haven’t decided if I’m going to ask Len to fix it for me. Something about not having the ability to weigh myself is kind of liberating. We’ll see. I don’t have an unhealthy obsession with the scale so I think I’ll miss my weekly weigh-ins. In the past I’ve been scale obsessed but not anymore. It’s actually helpful for me because it doesn’t allow me to be in denial about eating crappy.
When I began losing weight in high school by restricting and exercising compulsively, my mom would take me for weigh-ins at the doctor and I would chug tons of water beforehand to get my weight up. These days, I can’t imagine manipulating the scale to see a gain. Eating disorders are a crazy thing. When I was at my lowest (116 pounds and I’m 5’6) I could not for the life of me see how skinny I was. Everyone was terrified because you could see all my bones, I wasn’t getting my period and clearly I was sick. But when I looked in the mirror I saw a fat person. Who was this person that other people were seeing? Surely not me, I’d think. One day I went prom dress shopping with my mom and was searching in the size 12 section. The sales lady came over and asked me what I was doing there. Puzzled I thought to myself, “I’m shopping you donkey” but before I could say anything she guided me to my proper size–size 4. I have pictures of that time tucked away somewhere but don’t often take them out for various reasons.
Body dysmorphia, though hard to explain, is real.If you’ve been lucky enough to have a healthy relationship with food and your body, this may sound like crazy talk but the mind is strong and powerful. It’s a scary thing when you’re striving to be skinny and when you get skinny it’s impossible to see. Anyways, this post wasn’t intended to go in this direction but apparently the scale brings up some history for me.
Do you guys think the scale is a blessing or a curse?