Wow, its been a long time. Can’t believe it’s actually freaking June. Where the hell does the time go? One year ago yesterday, I moved out of my place with Len and Ellie. (We broke up a few months before that but lived together till June.) Crazy to think how much has happened since that time. My life went from stable, consistent, and calm to wild and chaotic.
My friends tell me that I should write a book because of the ridiculous experiences I’ve encountered since the breakup… most of which are too inappropriate to disclose on this blog. Perhaps one day I’ll share. Despite the amazing and insane times, my mood continues to dip down into a funk at times. I never thought I’d still be going through periods of depression but I am. Last night my roommate and I established an action plan to get my ass in a better mental state.
Step 1: Be around people/animals/things that bring me joy. CHECK!
Look who’s staying for the weekend!
It’s a good thing she’s not covered in chocolate chips or I might just eat her up. I love this little rat.
Speaking of chocolate chips…
Step 2: STOP EATING MY FEELINGS! I use food as a coping skill so it’s safe to say I’ve gained weight. It’s no surprise that baked goods are my go-to foods for comfort. (See below for the fat girl special.)
That right there is a triple chocolate brownie
The reality is that sugar makes me feel like SHIT both physically and emotionally, which deepens the depression. Terrible cycle. So what’s a girl to do? JUST SAY NO to
crack sugar. I have a dietary plan but I’m not going to share it until I’m confident in my ability to follow through.
Step 3: Talk to someone.
I’m a therapist (How’d that happen???) so listening is more my strong suit. People talk to me about their struggles and I love it but it’s difficult for me to open up and be the talker. I’ve been isolating from friends and family which is very bad. (Here’s a tip: Don’t avoid family phone calls for weeks then randomly send a text to your dad stating “I kinda want to file bankruptcy then join the Peace Corps for two years. Thoughts? I’m serious.” This won’t go over well.)
With a little push from a good friend, I booked a therapy appointment for myself. (Do you guys remember when I went to Mimi? She was cool.) Therapy is a wonderful thing if you’re invested. Like many things in life, the more you put into it, the more you get out. I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 16 years old (my parents thought I was an alcoholic; really I just got busted the
110 four times I went out drinking.) but I never really take it too seriously. This time around I’m going to try to be more open and honest. We’ll see how that goes.
STEP 4: WORKOUT.
Everyone knows that working out is AMAZING for both body and mind. Exercise has always been a form of medication for me. Running, in particular, has worked wonders for my mental state. Although I’ve been slacking in this department, the ball hasn’t dropped completely. Last week I ran alongside my good friend Ali, as she completed her first half marathon. I wasn’t signed up and I didn’t train, but I ran 11 miles with her for support. (I ate a block of cheese post race. Not good for the bowels.)
Some signs of depression include loss of interest and loss of motivation. It’s REALLY hard to get moving on some days (esp. today when it’s rainy and laying in bed sounds so much better) but ultimately I know that even the shortest bit of exercise will increase my mood. Strapping on my sneaks is a MUST for me. Been thinking about signing up for a few races to keep the motivation flowing. We’ll see.
That pretty much sums up my action plan for now.
What did I forget?
**I hope everyone is doing well! Happy Saturday.
…since I last posted!! Sorry. I just got back from dinner and I have some really bad news…. I ate chocolate cake and just finished off a box of Junior Mints. I failed my own challenge. This is what happened.
So we met all my co-workers at this restaurant called Shauba Zen for a going away party. I thought to myself, perfect, I’ll get sushi. Well it turns out that this place only serves certain things, all of which need to be dipped in boiling broth that sits in the middle of the table. I ordered the veggie delight with tofu, all of which was raw and had to be dunked. I’ve never seen a weirder array of vegetables- I couldn’t even identify anything but a one inch slice of corn on the cob. Let’s just say I was less than thrilled. Then the cake came out. You can see from the picture how beautiful it was; I couldn’t resist. To be honest, I didn’t even try. I dug right in.
Then I went to CVS to pick out four million Christmas cards. I stood there crying in the aisle as I found the perfect ones. (I’m not even kidding.) Hallmark gets me every time. Since I had that cake, I knew I wanted more. I searched and searched for peppermint bark but had to settle with Junior Mints. I TRIED to get the small package in the front of the store, but they only sold the big guy. I swear. Soo…my challenge went to shit. If any of you are still going strong, keep it up. You are better women than me.
After my final (which I feel good about but not great) I ate couscous, soy nuggets and avocado. Couscous doesn’t do well when re-heated apparently because mine became crusty balls. Ew, I just got a visual of something beyond nasty. So… I’m scared that I just totally set myself up for a fat-fest tomorrow when babysitting. Any ideas on how to stay away from all the kid treats? This could be a real disaster.
There has been no dipping in the bins today despite a whole new assortment of sugary processed treats. Can I get a hell yeah! Ipacked a pretty standard snack of yogurt and almonds. I feel like I am breaking the no sugar rule but I don’t really consider Dannon Light N’ fit to be sugar, per say. It has lots of crap in it, like artificial sweeteners and such, but it’s no whoopee pie. Cut the girl some slack. Speaking of whoopee pies, I want one. They could easily be considered one of god’s greatest gifts.
It seems like I started the book, Life Without Ed, forever ago. It’s taking a while to get through because I only read it on the bus going to and from my internship, which is four miles total. Clearly it isn’t one of those books I just cannot put down, but it has some decent parts. Before reading the book, I had never thought about separating myself from my eating disorder and making it its own identity. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around that concept. However, I was surprised to hear my client talking about her relationship with “Ed” today–meaning her eating disorder. I felt so thankful that I knew what she was talking about so I didn’t look like an ass and say, “Who’s Ed?” Although it hasn’t been a helpful book for me, it seems to be a good fit for others. If anyone wants to have the book when I’m finished, shoot me an email and it’s all yours. Spread the love, peeps.
This is officially the end of my squash supply. You will not have to see another bowl for quite some time. It’s the same exact mix as last night: olives, olive oil, parm cheese, salt and pepper. I packed a pink lady, too. Have you guys tried this type of apple? It’s super sweet which is great for days that involve no sugar.
I have lots to do after work today. My VERY LAST final is tomorrow and then I only have one semester to go. YES! Again, someone please hire me come June. I promise I’ll work hard.
I cannot believe that Christmas is only 9 days away. Unfortunately I won’t be able to see my family this year for the holidays as we’ll be in Vermont. I love Len’s family but will surely miss mine. After hounding the bf for his Christmas list, he rambled off the most depressing gifts anyone could ask for. There was nothing fun which means snooze-fest shopping trips for me. I am most excited for our stockings. We made sure to hang one for Eleanor too. What’s your favorite stocking stuffer?
First, I finally got around to creating an actual blog roll–you can find my favorite sites under my Obsessions page. If I have forgotten about you, it wasn’t intentional and I apologize. Blog rolls are pretty cool for a couple of reasons. One, it’s a way to support one another in the blogging community. I have found all my favorite blogs through other peoples blog. (Except two.) It’s a way to spread the word around. And two, it shows love to the people behind the blog. I cannot tell you how excited I get when I click on someone’s blog and see goodies galore on someone’s page. It’s such a great treat.
Moving on to another reason why I love my boyfriend. Len had an event last night and arrived home at about 11:30. He hadn’t had dinner so naturally he made a pit stop at McDonald’s on the way home. He walked in with some sort of burger, fries (which he never eats and that annoys me) and a (what seemed to be) 40 oz milkshake. Proudly he said, “Even though I wanted Strawberry, I got chocolate so you would have some with me.” And this my friends, is why I am going to be a bed-ridden fat lady with bed sores. I happily passed on the shake, strictly for the no-sugar challenge.
I can’t quite figure out what breakfast is going to be. I definitely need to add more protein to my day because I was starving last night before bed and looking back, I really didn’t have much for protein. I think I’ll stick to a banana with peanut butter– sorry no picture.
How did everyone do on the first day of Fight the Crack Challenge? I’ve heard one success story so far from Kelly and am very interested in others. If you found yourself munching on some cookies or cake today, no worries. I’ve tried cutting sugar many times before and typically didn’t make it past day two. I am happy to report that I did not stray from the challenge today and I already feel great!
For dinner, I made more spaghetti squash with olive oil, olives, parmesan cheese, and salt and pepper.I plan to have something else along side of it but haven’t figured out what. While babysitting today, I ate a 100 calorie bag of 94% fat free popcorn (not pictured). I love how you get so much corn for a mere 100 cals. It’s a beautiful thing.
I wish you could all meet the little girl I babysit for. She is SO good. Never cries, always smiles, does silly things, and goes with the flow. Today I heard my clock ticking. You hear that Len? Kidding.
Can you imagine eating something so wonderful? I can. Yesterday one of our clients (she’s 12 by the way) was eating Grapes Leaves. Nice taste for a little munchkin. I wanted to rip them right out of her hand and run for the hills. (Did I mention she’s 12?) It was then that I planned todays visit to Second Cup Cafe. This salad included a falafel, two grapes leaves, hummus, baba ganoush, tabouli, one piece of bread, tahini and balsamic on the side. Ridonk! I ate everything but the mound of hummus. I have no clue how many calories this all is but I counted it as 515 by choosing a random mediterranean dish listed on Calorie King.
Believe it or not, if it wasn’t for this crack-free challenge, I’d be searching for something sweet right now. I know I could have some fruit but somehow that just isn’t tempting. What are your favorite sugar-free snacks?
Since I must study, I decided to do it somewhere fun. I recently discovered this adorable cafe just two miles from my house. Second cup cafe is filled with different sized barn tables, full length windows and the most relaxing environment. To top it off, they offer free internet. Take that Starbucks! A couple of hours ago I ate half a bagel with one tablespoon of peanut butter and two beetles. Do dates count as sugar??? I know they have sugar but I think it’s all natural. There are no ingredients listed on the package so I’m assuming they are simply just dried dates.
Upon my arrival to the SCC, I ordered a small soy latte and I have BIG plans for lunch. (This was really my motivation for coming here.) Hopefully they don’t kick my ass out before lunch time rolls around.
…Managed to get up at the crack to go for a run with Erin. I was parked outside of her house promptly at 5:30 this morning. Thankfully, there were no prostitutes around; they tend to like my car. We ran/walked our 5 mile loop-running at least three and walking the rest. There is nothing better than finishing up at run as the sun rises. Winter can be very challenging to run in–for obvious reasons such as weather and also because it’s tough to motivate in the darkness. I actually prefer running in the dark, though I’d never do it alone. Two winters ago (when I lived in the South End, close to Erin) we were hardcore in the winter. We’d literally meet at 5:15 regardless of the weather. I’ll never forget the first time we ran in below zero temps. Obviously we had no clue what the weather was that morning and certainly hadn’t prepared for it. I went out without gloves and and a hat. The wind was torturous and there was not a soul in sight. By the time I got back from the run, I could not feel anything. I remember taking a shower to thaw out but even the hottest water temperature still felt luke warm. Turns out Erin laid in bed shivering for three hours before her body went back to normal. Moral of the story, don’t be a douche and go running unprepared.
I’m thinking about making my very first green monster this morning but my stomach is churning just thinking about it. Spinach in a blender puts my comfort level over the edge. I’ve got all the right ingredient but still…..
FIGHT THE SUGAR CRACK CHALLENGE starts today. We’ll touch back tonight to see how everyone did and is feeling. I know there’s a sugar withdrawal headache in my future. Good luck everyone. Remember it’s only 7 days… We can totally do this.