Wow, its been a long time. Can’t believe it’s actually freaking June. Where the hell does the time go? One year ago yesterday, I moved out of my place with Len and Ellie. (We broke up a few months before that but lived together till June.) Crazy to think how much has happened since that time. My life went from stable, consistent, and calm to wild and chaotic.
My friends tell me that I should write a book because of the ridiculous experiences I’ve encountered since the breakup… most of which are too inappropriate to disclose on this blog. Perhaps one day I’ll share. Despite the amazing and insane times, my mood continues to dip down into a funk at times. I never thought I’d still be going through periods of depression but I am. Last night my roommate and I established an action plan to get my ass in a better mental state.
Step 1: Be around people/animals/things that bring me joy. CHECK!
Look who’s staying for the weekend!
It’s a good thing she’s not covered in chocolate chips or I might just eat her up. I love this little rat.
Speaking of chocolate chips…
Step 2: STOP EATING MY FEELINGS! I use food as a coping skill so it’s safe to say I’ve gained weight. It’s no surprise that baked goods are my go-to foods for comfort. (See below for the fat girl special.)
That right there is a triple chocolate brownie
The reality is that sugar makes me feel like SHIT both physically and emotionally, which deepens the depression. Terrible cycle. So what’s a girl to do? JUST SAY NO to
crack sugar. I have a dietary plan but I’m not going to share it until I’m confident in my ability to follow through.
Step 3: Talk to someone.
I’m a therapist (How’d that happen???) so listening is more my strong suit. People talk to me about their struggles and I love it but it’s difficult for me to open up and be the talker. I’ve been isolating from friends and family which is very bad. (Here’s a tip: Don’t avoid family phone calls for weeks then randomly send a text to your dad stating “I kinda want to file bankruptcy then join the Peace Corps for two years. Thoughts? I’m serious.” This won’t go over well.)
With a little push from a good friend, I booked a therapy appointment for myself. (Do you guys remember when I went to Mimi? She was cool.) Therapy is a wonderful thing if you’re invested. Like many things in life, the more you put into it, the more you get out. I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 16 years old (my parents thought I was an alcoholic; really I just got busted the
110 four times I went out drinking.) but I never really take it too seriously. This time around I’m going to try to be more open and honest. We’ll see how that goes.
STEP 4: WORKOUT.
Everyone knows that working out is AMAZING for both body and mind. Exercise has always been a form of medication for me. Running, in particular, has worked wonders for my mental state. Although I’ve been slacking in this department, the ball hasn’t dropped completely. Last week I ran alongside my good friend Ali, as she completed her first half marathon. I wasn’t signed up and I didn’t train, but I ran 11 miles with her for support. (I ate a block of cheese post race. Not good for the bowels.)
Some signs of depression include loss of interest and loss of motivation. It’s REALLY hard to get moving on some days (esp. today when it’s rainy and laying in bed sounds so much better) but ultimately I know that even the shortest bit of exercise will increase my mood. Strapping on my sneaks is a MUST for me. Been thinking about signing up for a few races to keep the motivation flowing. We’ll see.
That pretty much sums up my action plan for now.
What did I forget?
**I hope everyone is doing well! Happy Saturday.
I’m currently en route to Connecticut via bus to attend my sisters baby shower. We boarded extremely late so it’s likely I might miss half the celebration. Do me a solid, Lis, get the presents and games out-of-the-way. Games and opening of presents = worst idea ever. Seriously.
Riding the bus is an awkward experience. I arrived an hour early (like my ticket told me to do) and was the first in line by about 20 minutes. Soon an older gentleman joined me and felt the need to talk my ear off until the bus arrived. I made it clear that there would be no talking once we were seated. I talk and listen ALL. DAY. LONG at work so I was in no mood for banter. As if endless chatter about corrupt cops (my contribution), foldable bikes (his), and high rent (ours) wasn’t bad enough, said man was also a spitter. I’m pretty sure my top is damp.
The route to New Haven, CT stops at two different casinos. If you’ve ever been to a casino, you can imagine the crowd I’m rolling with. Get an old lady smoking butts with an oxygen tank on here and life would be complete. Even my friend, the spitter, could recognize the diversity. He suggested I be the bus therapist. Not a chance in hell pal.
Now I’m sitting next to a woman who is either humming or coughing. Suddenly Pin the Tail on the Pregnant Lady doesn’t sound so bad.
I’m coming for you Sis!
I started working as an (very part-time) outpatient therapist one month ago and today I faced my first “no-show”. This means they didn’t call, email, text, snail mail, letter in a bottle, nothin’. This also means I don’t get paid. Total bummer. As any fee-for-service outpatient therapist knows, no-shows are just part of the deal and it’s not helpful to take it personally. Still, I can’t help but do that. Do I suck as a therapist? Was I boring? Does my technique suck? (Not that I even have a technique at this point.) As new therapists, we joke about when our clients will finally realize that we actually have no clue what we’re doing. I wonder if “old timer” therapists feel the same way. In my pity, I sat in an empty office and shoved my face with roasted wasabi edamame. I felt better instantly. P.S. After all the wonderful tips last night on clean eating, I ate 2 packages of oreo cakesters today. Pretty sure I’m going blind from diabetes.
As a self-proclaimed therapist hopper, I’ve been on the other side of the couch many of times. I’ve had 5 different therapist, four of which have been over the last four years. I tend not to stick around very long but the upside is that I’ve seen many different techniques being used. No therapist is the same and that’s both scary and cool.
Seeing as I work for a community mental health agency, I share office space and get no say in how it’s decorated. The office I use is decorated with a spanish bull fighting theme. Definitely not what I was going for. I wonder if my clients walk in and have the sudden urge to run around thrusting a red cape. One day, I shall have my own bullfighting free office where people will feel warm and welcomed. One day.
In other news, Eleanor found, ate, and choked on two different chicken bones in our backyard yesterday. For some damn reason our neighbors have BBQ’s and think it’s okay to chuck the nasty bones over the fence into our bushes. She choked really bad in the morning, to a point where we were both terrified. Later that afternoon she discovered the 2nd one, which I pulled out of her throat, then marched to the neighbor’s house and handed them the evidence. It’s amazing how easy it is to advocate for the ones you love. Neighbors if you’re reading this, watch your backs. There’s only one chicken bone permitted in this house and it’s plastic.
Being camera-less is really for the birds. My desire to blog diminished knowing I had no photos to post up here. Oh well, we’ll make do. Hmmm, what to tell. I haven’t written in a while so there must be something new and exciting to tell you all about.
I had a doctor’s appointment today at 1:40– a standard yearly physical and gyno exam. My insurance runs out in August so I want to get everything taken care of before then. I went ahead and fasted because I was expecting to have a full set of blood work done. Since my appointment was so late in the day, I called several times to make sure I had to fast. The idea of no coffee pissed me right off but sometimes we have to do things that truly suck. So I get there (you should know that my PCP is in a ghetto hospital that is basically a sterile version of Walmart) and my doctor turns into a blood work nazi, denying me my right to labs! “Cholesterol only needs to be tested every 5 years” she says. But Doc, a lot can change in that amount of time. Do you understand how many donuts, whoopee pies and onion rings I consume on a yearly basis???? Girlfriend needs annual testing, asap! Despite my baked good confessions, she insisted against the labs. Fasting for nothing.
This weekend we are headed to Cape Cod for a wedding which means that old faithful is back. You know… old faithful. The dress that I’ve worn to 700 weddings and has a broken strap held together by a twisted paper clip. I really meant to toss the old thing out last September but it proved to be a difficult task. Instead it’s been sitting on my closet floor for 10 months. Good thing I’m a hoarder otherwise I’d be dress-less for Saturdays wedding.
Food. I’m still battling my good days with my bad days. Every morning I wake with a new diet plan in my head but the plan never makes it past 11 am. I truly feel that I must follow an eating plan in order to get this weight off but plans and I have a poor relationship. Mimi and I have been having our therapy sessions every other week which is great for right now. My life doesn’t change much from week to week so I consider it 20 bucks saved twice a month.
As for the exercise… I’ve started to get a little panicked. Since my last half marathon which was Memorial day weekend, I’ve gotten way too lax with my exercise schedule. I think I had/have a little cardio burn out which is a total bummer considering my triathlon is in 7 weeks. You must know that I started swimming this week which is pretty comical. I have slight OCD about getting to the pool before everyone else so I can be at peace in my own lane. (Stay out of my lanes you old wrinkly pervs!) Unfortunately that means getting there around 5:15 am. Today I learned the hard way that 6:00 is cattle call for men in speedos. Is it really possible to share a lane without kicking one another or clawing out an eye with the force of a breast stroke? I can’t be trusted. I don’t have a particular swim plan to follow but it’s certainly the event that is most anxiety inducing.
Okay, sorry about the lack of pictures and the long ass post. I missed you guys.
I haven’t posted much about food lately which is a shame because I’ve been munching on some damn good things. Last night I ate strawberry shortcake with melted peanut butter and jelly over it. TO.DIE. I wanted to kick my own ass when I realized I didn’t take a picture but should have. Today I made a crafty sandwich of avocado, light cheese and hot sauce! By the time I ate it I totally forgot there was hot sauce involved so apparently I didn’t use enough.
At the grocery store tonight I picked up two new purchases…. wait for it… wait..
Buffalo sauce marinade!
Skinny Cow Caramel Cone single serving cup. Freaking awesome but could really use more caramel cones.
I had therapy tonight and Mimi thinks I’m making some progress. I think I am too, actually. Today, I had a piece of cake at work. I didn’t have a mental war over it. I just ate it and moved on. I didn’t binge, just moved on. For a binger by nature, this is a success. I also brought a huge piece home for Len (see to the left) and haven’t touched it. She also told me that obese people who binge have a better chance at losing weight (with work, of course) than naturally obese people. Genetics suck!
P.S. I got hired for (very) part time outpatient work. My hours are Tuesday 9-2.Yahoooo!! Let’s hope my clients show up, otherwise I don’t get paid.
Hey Blogfaces! Long time not talk…..
No therapy update today because I didn’t go. FREEDOM!!!!!! Back to the couch next week.
As you may or may not know, Len and I are leaving on Friday for Nashville, TN. We are meeting my sister and her hubby there to run the Country Music HALF marathon. Unfortunately Len and I forgot to train so we’re pretty much screwed. There will be a whole lot of walking during that 13.1 miles. I’m pretty disappointed that we didn’t put any effort into preparing for this race but it’s too late to worry about it now. Luckily I have been active over the last month so I’m not COMPLETELY out of shape. Just….. mostly of out of shape. As of now, the forecast for Saturday says 78 and possibility of thunderstorms. If it gets any hotter than that someone’s going to die– and it will probably be me on the course. This hookers doesn’t do well in
I’m psyched to visit Nashville (Music City) since I’m a huge fan of country music. I want to explore everything so hopefully our legs won’t be too tired. The Country Music Marathon is extra cool because there’s a post race concert that night. My bro-in-law scored us back stage passes so we’ll be VIP bitches! Score. The singers are kinda lame (John Rich and Cowboy Troy) but it will still be fun! I get SO nervous around famous people so I’ll probably just stand there like a donkey.
Something weird happened at booty this morning. A random van pulled up and started promoting their product, Mix 1. (Keep in mind it was 6 in the morning and the trainers weren’t expecting it.) I had never heard of the brand but grabbed three and ran for the hills : blueberry vanilla, mango, and mixed berry. The sugar content in them is pretty high so I probably won’t drink them but Len will. You guys know I have issues drinking my calories away.
I just boiled cauliflower and it smells like a bag of ass in here. The wretched smell is so worth the bowl of excitement below.
First, let’s recap some eats from the past couple of days and get that out-of-the-way.
Now onto the important stuff….
Seriously guys, I am truly sick of talking about food, thinking about food, eating too much of the stuff–you get the idea. I just want to be NORMAL! I was so not in the mood for therapy this morning. If guilt didn’t exist, I wouldn’t have shown up. Yes, I wrote in my damn food journal. Yes, I ate like shit a few days this week. No, I was not neglected as a kid.
I spoke with Len about my dilemma last night and about how I was questioning the content/life of my blog. He reminded me that I started goodies galore as a tool in my therapeutic process. The problem is, I’m just not sure if it’s helping the process or enabling me to be more obsessed. Hear me barking? When I’m not thinking about food, I’m writing or reading about it.
Is there anything that you guys would like to see more of? Less of? Lots to think about over here.
Moving on– I wore my awesome hr monitor to booty this morning and burned 516 calories. Wahoooo! I love the fact that I burned that many calories before seven am. Can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings.
How cute is my family.
P.S. 50% off lots of Easter candy at Shaws. For real.
Hey, hoo, hey, hoo. I went to a Kriss Kross concert in 8th grade and wore my pants backwards. True Story.
So…. I hopped on the scale this morning and didn’t even lose a full one pound?! What the freak. I know I haven’t drastically cut back over the last two weeks but I haven’t binged on sweets or eaten any sweets for that matter. This HAS to have decreased my calorie intake. I’ve also been doing boot camp. I really expected to lose. Mimi advised me not to step on the scale so I wouldn’t get disappointed but I’m stubborn. I’m not so disappointed that I want to stuff my face with 10 whoopee pies but I am left wondering what to do next.
Thanks for all the Easter eating tips. I still haven’t picked a strategy. I got a lot of advice about not letting the candy have power over me. The truth is, it does. One bite and I’m done. I definitely plan to remember how much better I feel without the sugar with hopes that it will inspire me to back away. “Back away, not today, Disco Lady.” Who knows what that’s from?
Last night I had a glorious dinner with a friend I met in grad school. She’s someone I felt instantly comfortable with so we had great conversation. Remember on Valentines Day when Len and I went to Bella Luna for an early dinner? Well Mikaela lives in the area and had never been so we hit it up. The place was packed and the atmosphere was so funky.
Although the intention was to order a black bean and portobello burger, I was swayed by the creamy tomato and basil soup. One cup please!
After I took that picture the waitress arrived with garlic knots. Bitch. I had two.
Then came the Silver Moon Salad– dried cranberries, croutons, gorgonzola and field greens. So good. I ate every last bite.
Len and I are headed to CT around 2 today so I must get moving. Lots of errands/work to do. Who’s avoiding taxes till the last minute? I am!!
Need advice for good running shoes for peeps with wide feet. My booty camp leader called me out on how old and ridiculous mine sneaks are. I’ve been sticking with Nike only because of the Nike Plus thing.
Mimi had me keep a food journal for the week–we laughed because much of the food in there is a kids dream. Mimi asked what happens when I don’t allow myself the cookies, candy, and other goodies I want. I couldn’t quite give her an answer because at this point I give in so easily, not allowing time to have that mental feud. I know how exhusting that fight can be so I’ve stopped fighting. My job for this week is to fight all my binge foods and sit with the feeling, documenting what happens internally. What is my mind saying? What happens inside my body? This should be interesting but I like where she is going with it. To an outsider, or as weight watchers says, ‘a civilian’, this may seem so bizarre. After all, it’s just a simple cookie, right? Absolutely not. That cookie symbolizes a lot– now I just have to figure out what.
Len and I woke up at 4:3o this morning to take Ellie out and saw that it was POURING! We made the executive decision to skip boot camp. I was totally bummed out when I woke at 7 and saw that it was raining, but not pouring as it had been. I’m feeling disappointed that we skipped because I’m sure the others stuck it out and it was only the second day. Oh well, no sense in holding onto the guilt. We are certainly not making a habit of it. Rain or shine tomorrow, we will be there.
Last night I ate Pad Thai again. I think we’ve had it once a week for three weeks now. I’m officially sick of it. I hope. No pictures to show.
What’s your favorite movie to watch on a rainy day? Mine is Catch and Release, Forces of Nature, Dan in Real Life and Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. HOWEVER, I could really go for Beaches. “On the boardwalk…”
After my run this morning I couldn’t help but notice the nastiness that is my hair. Suddenly I just couldn’t stand the length and dryness of it. I haven’t gotten a haircut since November of 2008. Yes, you read that right. November of 2008. I’ve been putting off going to the salon because quite frankly, I’m broke and would rather spend the 50 bucks elsewhere, like the grocery store. Before I knew it I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror with an old rusty scissor and a small compact. Time for a hair cut, ladies. Please keep in mind that I have no clue what I’m doing. I parted my hair in the middle and separated in into two sides. Please don’t mind the sweaty face and running mascara.
Without so much as a measure or even wetting my hair– snip snip, snip. Okay, don’t freak out. Grab the other side-snip, snip, snip.
Definitely not even. I could use some layers.
Shit! Too many layers but there’s no turning back. Here’s the final product.
Len’s going to even it out tonight. Well, I’m certainly not in love with it but I saved 50 bucks!
I went to mimi this morning and we scratched the three category rule. I told her that it was too hard for me to start the days off accepting a binge. For next week I simply have to journal what I eat and the times. I had a hard tome conceptualizing what I eat so she wants to see it for herself. We may or may not going back to the category strategy down the road. I told her I was thinking about the no flour/no sugar diet and she said that if I wanted to try if for a week to see how it feels I should, but that it’s not the solution. She’s right but it would feel damn good to clear my system of all it’s processed toxins. The rest of my therapy was spent talking about the dysfunctions within my family. My parents just finalized a dirty divorce so Mimi has been my sounding board. I don’t care what people say, divorce is hard regardless of how grown the kids are. Moving forward.
Have you ever had a day when it seems you break everything you touch? I’m pretty sure I just broke our washer and dryer. Sparks were flying and both machines just shit then bed. Not so awesome since I have wet clothes sitting in them. Then, after doing a little more trimming to the hair, I broke my damn sunglasses!! So annoying. Good news is that the sun is shinning and I just got some goodies at Trader Joe’s. The refried bean/hot sauce/hummus combo is back in action.
Back later with my grub!